Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog