i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.