i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dating After Heartbreak
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob