Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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