Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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