First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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