I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
