If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone came in the potted fern
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
