the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
