So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
