Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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