Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
