My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
