I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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