she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My ass is underappreciated
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
