why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
