I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
