Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
