im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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