we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
there is puke in my bra ... again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
