No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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