So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When are your genitals available?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
