I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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