I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
