I accidentally had phone sex last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
