I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
