His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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