Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
