I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
