Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
