apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
