I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
