I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
