Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
