Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
