We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
