There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
