She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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