Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
