look no pants
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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