We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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