On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
