I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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