"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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