I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
honey bunches of taint.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
