She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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