The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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