this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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