remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
