3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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