96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
