can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
pop tarts are not kleenex
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
