Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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