Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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