I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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