Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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