we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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