I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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