I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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