I think I just saw someone hide a body.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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