Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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